I recently wrote a post entitled “How to Train your Attorney,” in which I explain how any client can train his or her attorney to work extra hard and provide excellent legal services. This post will explain how to upset your attorney to such a point that your attorney hates you and would rather wax a cat than work on your case.

Keep in mind: attorneys are people. If you treat your attorney poorly, then he or she will find it very difficult to communicate with you and care about your case. The following are a few ways popular ways to upset your attorney.

First, don’t do what your attorney asks of you. Nothing will frustrate your attorney more than your refusing to do what her or she asks. If you don’t want to help your attorney prepare your case, then don’t hire an attorney.

Second, don’t follow your attorney’s advice. You’re paying a lot for an attorney. If you don’t trust him or her enough to take advice about your case, then fire your attorney and save your money.

Third, call your attorney everyday, multiple times per day. Your attorney has many clients to serve. If you call every day, multiple times per day, you take away from your attorney’s ability to work effectively. Plus, when you call every day, you’re repeating the same questions, and who likes to answer the same questions ten times?

Fourth, be mean to your attorney’s assistant or paralegal. Hell hath no fury like an upset legal assistant. And when assistants are upset, attorneys are upset.

Fifth, refuse to pay your bill. Yeah, nothing shows more disrespect to an attorney than refusing to pay your bill. When was the last time you did work for someone and that person stiffed you? Did you continue doing good work for that person? Of course you didn’t.

Sixth, tell your attorney you could have done just as well in court alone. First off, bulls*** you could have. If you believe that, you have probably told your doctor you could have cured yourself of brain cancer. Perhaps you have told your dentist you could have given yourself a root canal. Yeah, you would have crashed and burned if you represented yourself in court. Your attorney deserves more respect than you spewing delusions of grandeur.

Seventh, blame your attorney for your poor behavior. Your attorney is not a magician. He or she cannot magically cover up your bad behavior or make you change how you act. If you antagonize your ex, swear in texts and phone calls, show disrespect to the Court, or generally act like a nutball, then expect bad things to happen. Don’t blame your attorney for his or her inability to save you from yourself.

(Note: the above is a bit harsh. I don’t expect that you will actually do any of the things described above. This is meant as a warning to those who think abusing your attorney will somehow go without negative repercussions. It won’t. Be nice to your attorney. Your attorney is there to serve you and wants to do a good job for you and your family.)

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